terrshee's Diaryland Diary

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Depressing Introspection R Us

Well, another one bites the dust, or will.

My old acquaintance has terminal cancer and a prognosis of maybe six months. I'm very sorry to hear it. I'm muddling over what to do. He shouldn't go without some acknowledgement from the people who have been in his life, however cold hearted they may currently be. Yet he shouldn't be disturbed by the unwelcome or what could with some justification be deemed hypocritical. I'm thinking perhaps I will write to his wife and burden her with the message. Like she doesn't have enough to deal with right now. Why do I think no good will come of whatever I do? Yet total withdrawal doesn't seem right either.

Why does impending doom suddenly make me feel even more selfish and what was insanely annoying suddenly seem pitiable, even pathetic? How can I say again I am sorry while saying I don't take it back? If it was asked for, would lying be right? How much does the truth matter to someone who is dying? How much does the truth matter to those who are left? It seems to me that the end of life is when we should put aside our illusions and delusions, if we haven't already.

Ugh. Can't stand this.

10:30 a.m. - 2006-09-06
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