terrshee's Diaryland Diary

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Mom is my Goddess

I'm just home from my beloved Mother's bedside (so to speak). She had to go in for a lung biopsy this morning (suspected cancer). We don't know the results yet, and won't for a few days, but she's handling it remarkably well. The rest of us are more of a mess.

Moms are strange creatures; we love them no matter what. My Mom has her faults (some quite large). Sometimes as a parent she has failed me, but only through her humanity, never through cruelty, callousness or deliberate action. And now we are facing the end of life issues. The font of my life is moving towards the final years of hers. I don't think this illness (if it is cancer) will kill her; it has been caught early and as such the prognosis is good. But in the normal progress of life, she will predecease me and both of us are having to deal with more openly acknowledging this now.

In a way, it is liberating, and gives us the room to express our feelings more fully, and begin the process of one of the great stages of maturation. This is the point that she and her children know that it it will now be our own responsibility to act as adults without recourse to a parent, and she will have to yield up her independence and very life bit-by-bit.

Thankfully this won't be forced on us all at once and we'll have time to adjust and understand, and hopefully many years yet to do it with love and compassion for one another. It is not goodbye, but making sure that all the right things are said and done before that day arrives. It is very important to me that she knows the depth of my love and respect, and in some ways forgiveness for her shortcomings. She is my Mom and she is my first Goddess.

And on a completely different note, my two day e-mail accumulation includes another young academic looking to use my work as a reference (this time "The Nine Worthies" article). At least for one moment, I have the satisfaction of patting myself on the the back and saying, "damn I'm good." 'Cause someone else not the SCA respects my work, and to me that is a *huge* ego boost.

8:31 p.m. - 2005-02-04
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past tense - always tense - future tense