terrshee's Diaryland Diary

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Making Progress

The desk is clean and the two trash bags of shredded material are headed to the large dumpster in the sky. It is incredible the amount of paper one accumulates over time. How many expired warranties and instruction books I had for items long departed. There were warranties for stuff from stores that were out of business. Plus all the useless receipts for things that have gone through the financial flow. And then there is all the paper I feel forced to keep simply because I do not comprehend what it means, like from the purchase/sale of a house 12 years ago. I wonder if I will frustrate or amuse my future biographers? ;-) Taxes next.

To change the subject radically, I realized how fragile my sobriety is right now. A mentor from the business world whom I count as a friend called me yesterday. She isn't privy to my recovery (just not in contact at that time and hasn't been an opportunity to casually inject it into the conversation). She's going to Florence in two weeks and wanted my impressions. I mentioned losing some weight while there in spite of eating like a hog. She asked if I drank wine, purely in reference to a source of calories. Suddenly all the big resentful voices in my head started screaming, "No, dammit, and I feel mightily deprived."

The first warning sign was at work a few days before I left for my month's vacation and was talking about Florence, and a co-worker said, "You'll love it. Drink lots of wine." How do you explain that you can't partake of something you love and for which that the region is famed? Too much baggage there to dump on a poor unsuspecting colleague. I just let it pass. Then there was my birthday party. The alcohol part was okay, although the subtext is always there in a social situation and particularly at a French restaurant at a celebration. Then there is traveling to Europe where the presence of alcohol is ubiquitous and service is part of the whole eating experience. I was conscious of the itch, but I thought it not too bad.

Now I realize I've been getting a lot of drinking cues for two weeks and its taken its toll. I hate, hate, hate being an alcoholic and not being able to live with or without a substance that is part of a normal environment. I know lots of people deal on a daily basis with illnesses and/or allergies that mean constant vigilance is necessary to be healthy. But I'm the kind of person who likes to fix something and then have it DONE. And I can't do that with this problem. And this isn't my first crisis and it won't be my last. I just have to deal. One day at a time.

Well, time to clean up before heading up to Pennsylvania to see my Mom and before the handyman arrives. He was here yesterday and finally, some of the little outstanding issues around the new place are getting fixed. It is repairs this week, wall fixes early next week, then painting, then carpeting. And then I'll be done. Except for the new furniture. Can shopping be a substitute for alcohol? Better watch that too.

5:49 a.m. - 2005-02-18
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past tense - always tense - future tense