terrshee's Diaryland Diary

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A Black Cloud Kinda Day

It is a big black cloud day, both literal and metaphoric.

I woke up to darkness of the no-hint-of-dawn sort. I realized that a) it was about to rain great big buckets and b) the few months when I get to arise to at least a sliver of daylight are now past. The weather report then informed me that the past few days of perfectly glorious summer weather were to be lost of another bout of global warming induced torture. I have my doubts about toughing it out without A/C for the next 6 weeks. My checkbook, however, tells me otherwise. I'm not exactly broke, but my funds are otherwise committed and can't be uncommitted.

I then realized that I had not lost one iota of the resentment I felt towards MNI from last Thursday. The wrongs are too tedious, petty and numerous to reiterate. Suffice it that I feel unheeded and unappreciated in a big, big way. This morning did not help as the editors began to stroll in late when I was scheduled for elsewhere. And there were some technical problems that did not help matters. Yet through it all I must smile and be polite because telling people they are inconsiderate and uncooperative does not help, nor does it induce them to be considerate and cooperative. I am not unaware that I have standards that damn few other human would care to try to meet; I meet them infrequently enough myself. But praising the tech group for fixing problems that should not occur in the first place is getting mighty worn. Yet stomping through my day seething with resentment isn't doing anyone any good.

I suppose this morning would not have been so bad if yesterday had not been so difficult. I spent much of it working on my algebra homework. The more I did, the more I got lost. You'd think working on similar problems as an exercise would help clarify things, but it only got me more and more muddled. I simply cannot remember all the fussy little rules and when to apply them. Every time I think I've got it down, Lo! it is wrong. I have absolutely no clue as to how I am going to survive two more semesters of progressively more difficult math, even if I should be so fortunate as not to have to repeat any of the classes. And this week's homework isn't quite done. Somewhere I'm going to have to find the patience to finish it before the test on Thursday. Three more class nights to go and then the final. Argh!

I'm also feeling guilty as sin. I had dinner with a female friend who revealed she's having trouble in her marriage. I'm sorry for it, and not lacking in sympathy. But I fear she wishes to make me her confidant when we're not that close, and in fact I know the husband better than I do her. I feel like a monster because here is a person who is really hurting, and I hold the potential for hurting her more by rejecting her need for a friend. I'm feeling so detached from life in general and here is one of those calls to decency that I only want to reject. How do people with actual emotional maturity manage to navigate life?

9:49 a.m. - 2005-07-25
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past tense - always tense - future tense